day 11

i've now hit a wall.
The past few weeks have sucked for me personally cause i've been so afraid of posting anything. I know it's my fault, but it doesn't make it anymore fun.

I love Conan O'Brian. I love that he is Late Late Night. The beauty of the 12:30 time slot is that there isn't a huge audience. This allows him freedom to do things that Leno can't. Some things disgusting, such as the hemorrhoid cream guy; some things offensive, such as "The world's fastest baby Jesus, racing the worlds fastest menorah”; and some things just weird such as "Frankenstein wastes a minute of our time".
I find this "Freedom" to be the backbone of the whole show. It is, however, self-restrictive. He can't progress without making changes to his formula. That is why i don’t want to see him take over Leno in 4 years. He won't change personally, i'm not even sure if he will intentionally change his style to accommodate the larger audience. I think he will subconsciously change, because he knows that more people are watching, or he will flat line. He won't have the freedom he is used to and when you take away that piece of the machine, the whole thing will breakdown. When the freedom goes, so does the main ingredient.

I kinda feel like that’s where i am at with my blog. I haven't changed (much), i never intended to say different things merely because more people are reading and critiquing. I can't however shake the fear that i might say something the wrong way and cause others to see me in an unpleasant light.
I hate the thought of appearing arrogant. Especially just because of how i type. And that will inevitably occur. That fear has paralyzed my thought/writing process.

Is the joy I get from blogging worth the risk of looking like a jerk?

I am a twenty year old, white male, with about two years of general college education. I have led a charmed life, and i don't have an awful lot of life experience. I have never had anything published. I am an expert at NOTHING. With this in mind, no one should ever put much stock in anything i say.
I express my views on how things appear to me. These are my messy, sometimes in-coherent thoughts. I welcome correction; i just want everyone to have the right frame of mind when coming to this site. In person i try to never push my views on anyone else. This blog is my chance to say what i think without having to worry about coming across like a jerk. That is why i have two different sites. My xanga is for everyone back home, or for anyone who just wants to see what i'm up to. This site is for those who are interested in knowing my views. You are here because you choose to be. Therefore it is impossible for me to push my views on you. That is the freedom of a blog.
Honestly, if i was talking to someone, or if i was writing something that would be published, i would use much more humble language. I would say things like, "i think", or "i feel" or "maybe" or "that's just my opinion." But that's the beauty of a blog. "EVERYTHING is JUST MY OPINION" If anyone thinks I put any more confidence in it than that, then they are sadly mistaken.
I don't think i'm special. I don't think i'm more intelligent than anyone. I just want to write down my views so that:
-i can think things through better when i have to type them.
-i can have documented my views and thoughts as i grow and mature.
-maybe someone else will add insight that i can learn from.
-maybe someone has been having the same questions as me and my thoughts could help them grow,
-or at least get them to think of something in a different light.

Finally, i want to encourage any questions that my posts might arouse. Nothing is too personal for me, so don't be shy. (though there may be same things I can’t divulge out of respect for other’s privacy) Even if you just want to know what possessed me to write about a certain topic; ask me. I would prefer questions to be through comments instead of e-mail. Like my teachers always told me "don't be afraid to ask a question (no matter how ridicules it may seem) because chances are someone else is wondering the exact same thing, but they don't want to ask either." And that way, maybe others will have insight into your questions and will be able to answer something better or different than I can. After all, there are some pretty intelligent people checking out my site, which I would love to learn more from.

I can't promise accuracy. I can't even guarantee consistency. (Though, I do sincerely try for both) But, even if my thoughts seem incorrect or “cliché”, they are how I honestly feel and believe. The only thing I can promise is honesty.