Relationships

Ever watch those dating game shows on TV? What makes them so ridiculous and impractical? It is because it is a competition and therefore the contestants don’t act like themselves. They make themselves into what they think the other person wants, and above all else, those competing don’t bother to evaluate the one their competing for. Why don’t they ever ask themselves if this man is the right one for them? They don’t because that’s not their goal; their goal is to get the man, and ultimately married in some cases. Whether they are actually compatible is secondary to whether they can make themselves feel compatible.

How is this any different than the way we pursue romantic relationships in the real world (not the MTV reality show)? We place the same superfluous goal for ourselves and end up suffering the consequences of a misdirected relationship. What bothers me is that this applies just as much to the Christians as anyone else. Some have goals like feelings of security, love, passion, pleasure, importance, meaning, etc…, while other goals are nobler such as marriage or children. But aren’t all of these goals simply distractions from the real purpose of romantic relationships? God made Eve to be Adams helper. (This doesn’t negate equality; equality does not mean sameness. If you don’t understand how this can work read Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and step outside your preconceived notions for a moment. But that’s another discussion for another time.)

This means the true goal of “dating” is to find the person that will best help in one’s ministry. Though feelings and other pursuits are factors in this decision making process we must never make them our goals lest we lose focus of our true goal. These other factors should be the outpouring of the “helper finder” process. As two people pursue God and seek to determine each other’s role in His plan, the feelings should follow and marriage should commence as a means to better serve God. No other reason is acceptable. Much can fall under this definition and it is at its core a condition of the heart rather than a set of tangible rules.

When we start a relationship with marriage as a goal we are giving ourselves a clear-cut win or lose scenario. Either we get married (good), or we brake up (bad). If we are thinking that way, then we will be far more inclined to overlook personality issues, spiritual maturity/growth issues, ministry compatibility, family issues, etc… Whereas, if we start a relationship with the goal of having either a God honoring marriage or a God honoring break up then there is less motivation to overlook issues. Most importantly, however, this encourages us to guard our purity and hearts, and that will also improve the marriage scenario. A friend of mine once told me that one of the most powerful things he and his girlfriend/fiancé would say to each other to remind them of their commitment to purity was, “you are not my wife.” This might not sound romantic, but you’d be surprised how romantic guarding another’s purity can be.

A dating relationship can be a win-win situation if both parties are committed to honoring God in every facet of their lives and they acknowledge breaking up as one of those possible facets. In fact, I would propose that it is the only way we can truly seek a romantic relationship while pursuing God above all else. After all, if you pursue a romantic relationship without even the option of breaking up then you should either have a wedding date set or you are lying to yourself; but if you pursue someone, knowing that you could break up and it could hinder your walk with God, then your placing your own desires above your relationship with God.

All that to say, marriage is not an acceptable goal for a relationship. The dating stage should only be for that “uncertain” time period that exists while two people try to determine whether this person would make a suitable helper or leader in their ministry for God. (What qualifications and methods to use in order to make that decision is a personal issue that I certainly don’t have a magic formula for.) This is where wisdom comes into play. How much time should two people spend with each other before entering in to a life long partnership? If you are looking for a ministry partner then you should probably work together in some type of organized ministry or situation that reflects your future ministry environment. You should also interact and evaluate the other person’s behavior in different environments, church, work, family, etc… I can’t say what this means for every person because every relationship is unique. Many people will try to shortcut or ignore these issues with excuses like this “blah blah blablah FEELINGS blah blah blah.” Feelings lie and can come straight from Satan. Scripturally, feelings alone are never proper justification to base a decision. How much more ridiculous is it to base a lifetime commitment on feelings?

We shouldn’t be fearful of commitment, just wise about it. I firmly believe that there comes a time in a relationship where one has to decide to either (to use a censored popular phrase) “crap or get off the pot.” After you have addressed the above issues sufficiently you should know what to do. If you find it wise to marry then you should set a date and do it. If you really can’t see yourself serving God with this person for the rest of your life then you need to end it and try again with someone else.

We have created so many levels in relationships that almost none of them have any meaning. Biblically you were unmarried, betrothed, married, or committing some form of adultery. In today’s culture we are: talking, dating, friends with benefits, engaged, single, courting, interested, pre-engaged, separated, in an open relationship, “going steady” (for those over 40), hooking up, and I’m sure there are many more that I’m blissfully unaware of. Because we no longer have arranged marriages the non-biblical searching period of “dating” has evolved. I’m not saying that dating is wrong, merely pointing out that there are not overt definitions on dating in the Bible. I also believe that, like in scripture, the simpler and more defined a relationship is, the better. You are either committed to this person for life or you are not. It is that simple. That means no pre-engagement, no “promise ring”(its something high schoolers do to make themselves believe they’ll get married), and no dubious engagement with an indefinite wedding date. You can’t be partially committed and you can’t commit to commit to commit. That’s just stupid. A partial commitment is merely the illusion of a commitment. It is a lie!!! And usually the one being most deceived is one’s self. A partial commitment is a lie we tell ourselves.

As the great philosopher Master Yoda once said,
"There is no try; only do or do not. No try"